Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
