I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
