remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
