i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
