How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Randomize
