Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
