glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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