if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
