I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
