I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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