my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Is Oprah even human
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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