Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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