Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
