last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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