I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
