You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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