I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
