Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Dear god my vagina.
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