Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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