you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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