My Higher Power is John Stamos
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
