So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
