im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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