If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
