I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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