I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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