Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
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