Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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