its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
