so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
