good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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