when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
