so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
