you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
