Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
operation have a gay friend backfired
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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