Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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