I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
