my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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