I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
