he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
