Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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