I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
