So drunk, too bad you don't want this
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
