Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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