You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Randomize
