Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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