I wish I could teleport
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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