Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
