Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
