wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
