Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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