Just invented taco cereal.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
