My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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