did you get engaged???
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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