so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
