We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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