Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
