Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
