she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize