btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
