she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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