I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I looked at my own cervix.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
