dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
