she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
