btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i love accidental penises.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
