Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize