Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
