I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
