you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
